Less of me.

Lately God's been convicting me about how I'm full of me. I guess I knew, in theory, that all human being are prideful and thus I must have some pride issues, but I didn't see how self-focused I really am.

Here's an example: my resolution/goal for 2012 was to basically "discover myself." (Talk about psychology nonsense!) I was shy and insecure, and wanted to stop changing who I was based on who I was with. Well, it's true that we shouldn't fear man's opinion, but the cure is fearing God - not being more confident in ourselves. But my goal was to build SELF-confidence... and sadly, I did just that.

Another example: As of February 2012, the 5 words I wanted to describe me were: godly, beautiful, smart, lovable, and capable. I summed up of the attributes I should have been focusing on in just one spiritual-sounding word, and then listed the ones I was really after...  ones that built my image. Notice I didn't say I wanted to be loving, I wanted to be lovable. It was about me. 

Yeah.... ouch. So, why in the world am I admitting to all my readers how proud I am? Well, for one thing, it's good for me; for another, it helps keep me accountable and transparent with my brothers and sisters in Christ. And as for people reading this who don't really know me... well, maybe you'll leave encouraged somehow. 

So all that to say... I'm so sick of me. I need LESS of me. I need more of Jesus!! I am truly so grieved at how much I love me. And I have some different goals now. My number one goal this year: to make Jesus Christ shine building others up in Him. I want to accomplish that by being a listener, an encourager, a person who sees the inside of people and loves without partiality, and by not talking about and thinking about ME.

The 5 words I want to describe me: humble, loving (God and people), prayerful, servant, and (even though it's not one word) recklessly abandoned to Christ! So friends, encourage me and be the same to me! I'm so far from what I should be, but so encouraged to work towards the goal in the power of the Holy Spirit. He is so faithful!

"He must increase, but I must decrease."

John 3:30

Peculiar

There's a lot of pressure to be like everyone else. 

Wear the same clothes, have the same haircut, like the same movies, talk the same way, 

go the same places, and on and on and on...

But guess what - the Bible sets you free from that. Telling us not to worry about what people think about us, it liberates us from trying to do what's "popular." In fact, it tells us we should be totally different! 

These two simple verse release us from all that pressure:

Proverbs 29:25

"The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe."

 1 Peter 2:9

"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should 

show forth the praises of Him who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light:"

Be peculiar!

Infinite Love

Oh my goodness! I haven't posted in a very long time! Silly ol' me. Life has been so busy this summer, and I've just gotten kind of lazy about it, I guess. I think it's time for a fresh start - in many ways.

The busyness of the summer has required me to suppress some emotional and spiritual issues for a long time, which caused them to enlarge under the surface. This week they finally emerged. My heart has been disquieted by numerous fears for far too long. Mainly, I've been afraid of rejection and not having control. Those fears fears which have so seized my heart have displayed themselves in many ways... I have been afraid of being ugly, not having enough talent and aptitude, being rejected by people who love me, not having a "likable" personality, etc. You get the point. Quite honestly, I haven't trusted in God's unfailing grace and have not allowed Him to keep me in perfect peace. Fixing my eyes on myself, I have forgotten what my life is all about. It's all about Jehovah, my Savior! He is my Rock, my Lover, my Friend, my Father, my Redeemer, and my Joy. He is my life! Oh, how foolish it is to worry about not being lovable; that's the whole point! If I could gain favor with God by my own works, there would be no gospel. Christ died for my sin, because I could never earn favor with God on my own. Additionally, if I could "earn" grace, it wouldn't be grace! I am nothing but a totally depraved sinner, and that is why the gospel is such good news. the Lord Jesus loves me - though I do not deserve even a smidgen of His love - and has given His life to save me! Since I never earned His love to begin with, I can never "un-earn" it by not being good enough. He took the penalty for my sin, and placed on me infinite value. I am now adopted by the infinite God of the galaxies, and I am a co-heir with Jesus Christ! What incredible news! Can I get an amen?!

Hope and Courage to Face Tomorrow

"God, I can't do that again! I just can't!!" I bawled. "I wish I could just erase this day from history."

It had been an awful day. From the time I got up, things weren't going as I had planned. Everything, even the most trivial inconveniences, seemed overwhelmingly difficult. I cried, and then prayed, and got my emotions straightened out. Diligently, I tried to keep my emotions tamed and work on my school work. But, I ended up crying again, and the process started all over.

As the day continued, I eventually got my strength and joy back. Later on, I went to play practice, which I normally love. It started well. While we were working on our choreography, however, I started to get discouraged. I was the only girl (out of about 1o girls) who couldn't do my part correctly. Finally, I started to cry. Yup, I cried. Right there, in front of everyone, I started sobbing. To make things worse, just a few minutes later we were supposed to go on stage and practice with the rest of the cast. Trying to regain my composure, I went into the bathroom to see if my appearance made it obvious that I had been crying. Well, I looked okay, so when I felt ready I started to go out to the stage. I made it about halfway... and then started my ridiculous weeping all over again! I couldn't bear the thought of failing in front of everyone. Exhausted, I sat in a dark room and thought, prayed, and listened to music. Eventually, I went out and practiced with everyone. It was humiliating - everyone could see my tear-stained face.

After the practice, my mom came to pick me up. As soon as I sat down in the car, my emotions sprung up yet again. "Today was one of the worst days of my life!" I told her between sobs. She listened sympathetically as I recounted to her the traumatizing events of my day. When we arrived home, I sat in the car for a little while, praying. This is where the first line of this blog post fits in. I just wanted to disappear, and never have to face the mountain of fear and embarrassment that stood before me.

I went inside, got some supper, and flopped on the couch. Hoping for some spiritual encouragement, I started to watch, "Facing the Giants" (an AMAZING movie!). Wow! It was SO uplifting! God reminded me that He wants me to give my very best - for His glory. The only way to every be truly fulfilled is to be poured out for Jesus Christ. Whether I perform perfectly or completely fail, I need to give my very best and give Him praise. And, I can be triumphant! The greatest success I can ever have is to honor Him. He loves us so vastly... I don't ever have to be afraid of what anyone else thinks of me, and I don't have to be the best. All I have to do is give Him my very best. He's my audience, and He gives me the hope and courage to face tomorrow, whatever it may hold.

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7